Monday, September 19, 2011

How can I forgive my dad?

I really want to have a relationship with my dad, but I just don%26#039;t know if I can! You see, he%26#039;s been emotionally abusive to mom throughout their marriage; he made her stop seeing all her friends, he made her feel like sh*t throughout their marriage to the point where she gained weight and became depressed and withdrawn. Recently, she%26#039;s lost the weight and is talking to people again (albeit online) and she is so much happier and more independent now! So, what does my dad do? He takes away her car and gives it to my sister (who he treats like a princess). He flirted up with this one lady online and went up to Pennsylvania to bang her. He%26#039;s saying to my mom: %26quot;You%26#039;re not the woman I thought you were.%26quot; %26quot;I wasted twenty years of my life with you!%26quot; %26quot;I used to be embarassed to be seen with you (when she was overweight)!%26quot; He%26#039;s saying really terrible things to her! And their divorcing (thankfully). A couple of days ago, someone called her at eleven (this doesn%26#039;t happen at all) and he flipped out. It was someone who she hadn%26#039;t talked to in fifteen years, but right when the phone started to ring he just yelled: %26quot;I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO TO SLEEP!%26quot; He also made me and my mom get showers before eight so he can rest (I ignore that rule; it%26#039;s simply stupid). He%26#039;s not physically abusive, but he%26#039;s holding us emotionally hostage. Whenever he does something wrong, like yelling to my mom because someone called her (wtf! - he%26#039;s also yelled at me because our cat threw up - he%26#039;s completely irrational at times!) and the next day he would be crying and he would act all sad. He knows he does something wrong, but he never realizes that there%26#039;s something wrong with his behavior! So he persists with his destructive behavior! And he%26#039;s not only emotionally abusive to my mom, he%26#039;s been very demeaning to me throughout my life. Yelling at me because I closed the screen door, because I didn%26#039;t want to drink from a glass that had gunk in it, because I didn%26#039;t want to do something he wanted me to do (like go to a movie with him). And his sense of humor - he says that he%26#039;s just giving us a hard time, but it points out all the flaws that he doesn%26#039;t like. He does the same thing with other people. He says really nasty things about people who he thinks look weird. He has terrible road rage because he doesn%26#039;t like the way people drive (though it%26#039;s very scary to be in the car with him). He%26#039;s yelled at little kids for walking in the street (cursing at them even - he%26#039;s cursed at me when i was a kid and he told me to shut up a lot, until they found out that I had auditory processing disorder!). He%26#039;s thrown away pamphlets at his work, pamphlets made by Christians to get people to go to their church. And yet, even though he gets so angry, he%26#039;s not that manly. He is straight and he is manly, but whenever there%26#039;s a sunset, he%26#039;s always: %26quot;Oooo - look at the sunset! Isn%26#039;t it beautiful!%26quot; Or if there%26#039;s a sad movie he cries. Or if we don%26#039;t want to do something with him, he gets all sad. He%26#039;s constantly going around the house saying: %26quot;I%26#039;m such a loser.%26quot; He%26#039;s not sad, though! He%26#039;s just trying to get people to feel sorry for him (it is so incredibly obvious)! I mean, I love my dad and he%26#039;s been cool at times - I%26#039;ve painted a picture of him using all his bad qualities so far, but he does have good qualities. It%26#039;s just that he%26#039;s so controlling and so, I don%26#039;t know, emotionally abusive that his bad qualities seem to outweigh his good qualities! I%26#039;m going to move out of the house soon and I don%26#039;t want to just stop talking to him. But I don%26#039;t want to talk to him. How can I forgive him for the way he%26#039;s acted throughout the years so I can I have a relationship with him?
How can I forgive my dad?
im sorry its so long but please read it all

i am so glad you asked this because my dad is very similar to this i don%26#039;tt think hes as bad but hes always yelling thinking nothing we do it good enough pointing out all the bad in his life and on and on and on. but i think that they have similar problems because my dads parents split up when he was young and his dad basically gave him away and his mom was a neat freak and so he thinks thateverythingg has to be perfect and because it isn%26#039;t and he cant see that its himthat%26#039;ss messed up he blames us(me mi mom and mi brothers) and hes tried to change but he simply cant push himself to change because he cant see whats wrong with himself. i mean hes cool at times and im not going to say that ive had a bad childhood but not only is he demanding and pushy but he also is disciplinepline (yes he spanks me but not like abuse) and its usually when i deserve it but he also has aproblemsblems so he has hit me to the point of like if i called the cops hed go away but he is my father and i do love him

so to answer your question think of moving out as a new start. take it like call him on the weekend to say hi or visit sometimes and try to be kind to him but remember that now if he gets out of hand you can go home and lock your door and he cant follow u (great perk to having your own place) but just try to treat him like a friend at firstRatherr than ur dad because you have to build up that relationship from a little or it will never work and mabey if he sees that after everything he has done when u can simply forget about him u are still trying it will make him realize how much you love him and he will also try to fix it and if it dosent work then you did all you can and he had the choice and he will have to live with knowing deep in his heart that he let you go even after evrything and that will kill him even if he never realizes it so you have to try and do your part to fix it but you also have to let him do his part to and not give up on him just because it didnt work the first week

and about forgiving him just remember that he could have beaten you or just left you alone but even though he hated it he stayed atleast till u were old enough to handle yourself and that shows you that he still cares atleast a little and even if that hope that it will grow into a real love for you (and your mom) is all you have then just dont let go of it because its so little keep holding on as long as you can then if he dosent atleast make an effort to change you will know that it was his choice and you did the best thingand its ok to let go then

i really hope the best for you and your mom and please email me and tell me how it worked out mi email is i really would like to know if this works well for you and if you need more help just ask me please
How can I forgive my dad?
sorry, i didnt read the whole thing, but i would just stop talking to him. i know your supposed to forgive and forget, blah blah blah, but im just not that emotionally mature yet. why forgive someone that treats other people like that? if he wants to talk to you, make him apologize. otherwise, just dont talk to him.
I know many people in families that don%26#039;t forgive each other. And every single one of them say that they always regret not forgiving each other. Just talk with your dad...words of encouragement, small talk.

Colossians 3:13

Forgive each other
How soon is soon? When you move out, it%26#039;ll be much easier to have a relationship because you wont be under his control. Then you can either go to lunch with him and tell him how you feel or write him and tell him.
I think you%26#039;ll probably have to get away from him for a while before you can have a relationship with him. Once you%26#039;re out from under that influence, you can think more clearly about the relationship (and so can he).

Try to forgive him as much as you can, but the relationship probably won%26#039;t happen for a few years.

Maybe he%26#039;ll mellow out by then. Or maybe he needs psychiatric help. Unfortunately no one can force that on him.
Frankly , I%26#039;m surprised your mother hasn%26#039;t divorced him yet! You could go to your school counselor and tell him/her about the abuse you are receiving and watching your mother go through at home, especially if your grades could be;s hard to focus on school when you dread going home...and let the counselor help you. Just cooperate with any outside authority that may be called, answer questions truthfully, and keep your head together as best as you can. You can do this, and be strong for your mom.

No comments:

Post a Comment